What would have been

Yesterday I would have been 36 weeks pregnant with Matthew. I should be washing clothes, putting the finishing touches on his nursery, packing my hospital bag, writing thank you notes from my baby shower….

This list goes on…..

But here I sit overwhelmed with grief today with what should have been. I cried my way through mass, and still am holding back tears, because I don’t want to spend the entire day crying.

I just want to hold you, feel you smell you, dream about your future with you.

Today makes me understand how some find it so easy to hate God, but I’m grasping at him, asking him to why, what is supposed to come of this, how am I supposed to help others when days like today, I can’t even help myself.

It’s a hard day, filled with “what if’s” and “what should have been’s”.

Mommy still misses you everyday Matthew!

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