This might be a little of a rant, stay with me though!
I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN!
This is not meant to be a sad phrase, nor a pity me phrase, nor an angry phrase. It is just the truth!
Each day brings new challenges, new ways of having to cope with my life change. This doesn’t me that I regret the path I “choose” (see Matthew’s Story to understand the quotes). If Matthew was meant to survive he would have, but reality HE WASN’T! I am not regretting that part of my reality, I am extremely saddened by the fact that I am no longer pregnant, that I am no longer growing a precious life when all I have ever wanted is to be a Mother! I know that I am a mother now, but I am selfish and want an earthly baby to hold, cuddle, console, get frustrated with! I was not ready to let that part of the Matthew’s story go! I am still not ready! I am still grieving that part!
So please, do not tell me that I am regretting anything, do not tell me that I am setting myself up for failure, or opening a door where all that will be is sadness! I am expecting myself to be sad when I least expect, I am expecting that I will have days were it is just hard to put on a smile for everyone else. But guess what! THAT’S GRIEF!
In “normal” circumstances (had I delivered a living child) I am 4 months postpartum… 4 MONTHS! That means I would have only been back to work for a month, and still feeling the effects of my hormones leveling back out, battling baby blues, if not depression. So! With that being said, even though I do not physically have my son here with me… all of those hormone changes are still effecting me! Believe me! I have proof every month! So please do not say that am just hormonal, or just making it “worse for myself”. Do you think I want to wake up feeling like I got hit by a truck, and work at getting myself out of bed, having to speak out loud to remember to put conditioner in my hair or put the milk back in fridge! NO! So please stop projecting your version of grief/grieving into me!
Thank you for listening/reading.. hopefully this doesn’t come across too brash!