Looking back…Reflection on 2019

This past year was not my favorite, but it most definitely was not the worst.

I feel like I am catching another glimpse of myself, but still not the same. Last entry on here was September 2019 when I told you that I was embarking on a new career path, I felt hopeful, refreshed, and excited about something for the first time in a long time…

Well I started that job, 16 weeks of training, 10 months of attempting to help families surrounded by negativity, now I have the same title but working with families to be better. 16 weeks of training sounds daunting, but went way too fast. From January to October/ November I did the most challenging job I will ever have to do, it was not glamorous, not a desired job, and you do not get praised for what you are tasked with doing, but I did it and I did it to the best of my ability. I was and still am working directly with families, but in a more positive way, which is more my speed, my style, and the right fit.

The most challenging part of this year is that I am still not pregnant… This sounds stupid to say, type, and think, but I was extremely hopeful that 2019 held a new baby for me, and it didn’t. Instead I end up losing an ovary due to a 10cm cyst. I think that my stress level from those 10 months was not helping me conceive and the stress was obviously not helping, so I am starting off the year with ovary and still large goal of becoming pregnant.

It is hard to know and reconcile that we would have had a two year old running around the house… this still breaks my heart and always will. I try not to think about the milestones that Matthew would be had circumstances been different, but in the quite of night when my mind is at the most restful, or when I see others that were pregnant at the same time and see their children alive.

Even with all of this another year has come and gone all too fast. I like to think that I have comes a long way from two years ago, but some days it comes flooding back as if it were happening in real time again.

This year I am determined to stay positive and make every attempt to get back to myself, my passions, hobbies, and my faith. This will be my year!

One comment

  1. You are such a strong and resilient woman!! I lost my right tube and ovary when I was 15 years old and I still was able to get pregnant….it just took longer. I was jealous of the women that were pregnant when I wasn’t. I finally decided to go with the flow and I said to myself (over, over and over) if I get pregnant great…if not oh well. I know how much you want children of your own. When I had my miscarriage of twins I too was heartbroken and angry!!! I figured I would never have any kids…..then I had Victor and 2 1/2 years later along came Shawn.
    It is when you let things go that better things come along. Of course you will never forget Matthew and nobody wants you to do that. Just know deep in your heart and soul that all things happen for a reason and God is always with you! I love you very much ❤ ❤


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