You would think as years pass, that the pain would subside just a little bit. Well, in some ways it has, but in others it hasn’t. I cannot remember last years Mother’s Day, my feelings about it or what we did, but from some reason this one feels harder. I find myself not going on social media, trying to avoid mothers and pregnant women. What I find strange about this is that just a few days ago, I thought I was on the other side of my grief… I listened to a song for the first time in two years and I didn’t cry when hearing it, for the briefest of minutes I had peace with the thought of not being able to have any earthly children.
This has all since past.
If you have one foot in the infertility world you know the pain that comes each new cycle… for me it’s like a ticking alarm clock telling me I’m running out of time, laughing at me saying “just kidding, not this month”. What sucks for me is that I am not diagnosed with any infertility issues, but I relate to it all to well. The fears and anxieties, the feelings of inadequacy that our society places on women who don’t have children, regardless of the reason. I feel them all too often.
Mother’s Day is supposed to be the time when you celebrate all women, but if was to go into a restaurant tomorrow to partake in any of the discounts for mothers I actually would guilty…. WHY?! because society tells me that if they can’t see my child, I’m not a mother. I don’t expect people to understand this, and I don’t expect people to do anything about this. My family and friends acknowledge my child and that should be enough, but sometimes it’s not. This is because every Mother’s Day is a reminder of what I don’t have and it will be for the rest of my life.
Maybe one day it won’t hurt as much.