It’s funny, you can be going about your day, not really thinking about the tragedy the befell you, and BAM! it’s like a freight train hits you head on.
The mind is a funny thing, the mind can convince the body that it is pregnant (chemical pregnancy), make your body heal without medicine (placebo effect).
You can convince yourself that you are handling your grief and not shoving it under the rug, but when you start to trip over the pile, you can’t hide it anymore.
I had been distracting myself with a fantasy for a little over two weeks, focusing on that fantasy made reality easier to bear. Yesterday, I started to trip over the pile… a song came on the radio that I had heard almost everyday that I was pregnant, No Such Thing as a Broken Heart by Old Dominion. Now every time I hear it, I think of Matthew. Yesterday it hit harder than it has in a while. Today, I heard Blown Away by Carrie Underwood, the chorus always gets me, everything that hurts is now gone….but it’s never gone. Songs have always been signs for me, God talking to me, trying to get a message to me.
My “reality” cracking….
Tonight I was crocheting, I was working a blanket that I created the pattern for, I was thinking how one day I would love to be able to give it to my daughter. Then it hit me, I had convinced myself I could be and am pregnant. Over reading the early signs as something they weren’t, re-researching information I already knew, hoping to get an answer I could use. False reality crashed. I know better. I know my body better. I know it’s not on my time line, but for some reason I desperately needed it to be true. The worst part is my husband and I decided to officially start trying again next month, so why did I get myself so worked up over it this month… Well…. GRIEF!
I am missing Matthew so much, my mind decided to focus on moving forward by doing what it does best…. creating a perfect world scenario and running away with. Reading into signs that may have never existed.
I’m sorry if this is a rambling mess, but I needed to get it off my chest, and I know I am not the only one to go through this. So, I’m sharing in hopes that this can help someone else.