Child Loss, Crochet, Uncategorized

I had dreamed of this day…

Letter to Matthew:

Today is your due date…

When I first found out I was pregnant I immediately looked up your due date March 24, 2018… You were supposed to share the month with your cousin Hunter and you were hopefully going to share the day with your cousin Jennifer! I was so happy! Filled with hope, wonder, and excitement! The planner in me already had a vision of your nursery, what the baby shower was going to be like, and what Easter would like this year.

None of that happened….

I should be holding you, cuddling you, getting mad at family for not letting me hold you enough. This breaks my heart. Most day I push it the side because the “what should have been’s” are too much.

I am so happy that I get to call you mine, and I got to know your little jokester side. I’m elated to know you looked exactly like your daddy, because every day I get look at him and think of you. I know you are not in pain, and you are lucky that you will never know the pains of this life, and I am happy that you will always be looking over us, and that your born into God’s hands.

I miss you more than words could ever explain, and I often look though the pictures that I have of you, remembering holding your hand, your little toes, and your perfect little nose. Thank your making me a Mom, you will always be my first born! You have taught me that I am strong and that I am capable of loving so much deeper than I first thought. You have brought me my highest highs, and lowest lows and I will forever be grateful for it all! Without you this blog wouldn’t exist, I wouldn’t have taught myself how to crochet, and would not be able to call myself a mother!

I will love you always! Mommy

P.S.: Yesterday your grandma insisted on taking us out to lunch, unbeknownst to us there was surprise waiting for us. Your cousins Jennifer and Jaron came, as well as some aunt and uncles. As you already know it was Jennifer’s birthday, but she had a surprise of her own. She created a Go Fund Me account for her birthday, so instead of presents this year she collected donations to help me get supplies for making baby blankets! You are so loved Matthew and you have an amazing family here on earth! 

So today be on the lookout for some new yarn pictures!

Thank you Jennifer, from the bottom of my heart! You truly are such a special person and I am so lucky to be able to call you family! Love you! 

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