Losing Hope On A Dream

How do you let go of a dream that you have had since you were a young child?

In February I had a sonohysterogram and an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram). Both came back normal. No fibroids, no tubal blockages, lining in uterus was “perfect”/ “ideal”, but with one big BUT.

I was required to have a day three ultrasound and blood work. During the Ultrasound I was told that I had three follicles in my right ovary (I only have one ovary) and given no other information at that time. I then went in between day 7-10 for the sonohysterogram where they put saline in your uterus to see if there were any issue within the Uterus itself. I, again,was told that I had three follicles, no others.

This concerned me right off the bat as I have done enough research to know that three follicles is not necessarily concerning if you have two ovaries with three each, but I only have three total and only one ovary. My doctor had requested my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) to be checked on day three. This was explained to me as how hard my Brain has to work in order to tell my body to create follicles and ovulate. When having my consultation my FSH number was sort of high, but what my doctor considers the grey area between “normal” and “menopause levels”. My doctor told me that time is not on my side. She cannot tell me when I’ll hit menopause, but that it is coming early for me.

Alternative ways to conceive were suggested and IUI was the more hopeful solution. My doctor stated that my follicle levels were borderline where she wants her IVF patients to be, and IUI is more appealing as my other results were promising. There are never any guarantees and for me personally, I do not want to spend the the money on IVF in hopes that they will be able to retrieve enough viable follicles that may or may not make to point of being able to transfer. IUI… is not completely off the table, but mostly off the table… I would still have to stimulate my body to do things on a timeline in order for the procedure to have the most viability. I’m not overly eager to do that has for the last 3 and half years, my body has gone through a lot of hormonal changes.

So what does leave… choosing to cope with the idea of not having children. I say choosing as I could get pregnant naturally; however, very unlikely.

This is a very hard decision. My mental state is suffering and has been since Matthew was born. I have been hyper focused on everything TTC. These last 8 months have been the hardest. I now have an answer as to why, but that does not make it any easier. I am 32 years old and told that I am reaching menopause earlier than most women and that my body has to work harder in order to have a cycle. I have hot flashes, am losing my hair and having unbearable cycles, almost twice a month.

I am lost and trying to stay afloat while also trying to remain happy with my life. I am constantly heart broken and reminded of what I don’t have and constantly being asked if I have children. Holidays are hard, pregnancy announcements are hard, being around children around Matthew’s “age” is hard. Holding babies is hard, being around pregnant women or newborns is hard.

I don’t have any answers, I do not have any coping strategies that have worked, I don’t know what is next for us, let alone ME.

Unfortunately, this is where I leave you and my hope is that this blog is able to help me cope in some small way.

Until next time, Mikaela

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