Here’s to New Beginnings!
It’s been awhile since I last posted…
Partly because I was having a hard time processing my first Mother’s Day, my husband’s first Father’s Day, how I wanted to continue honoring Matthew… honestly… the excuses are endless as this point and then I longer I was gone the harder it was start again…
In May I thought that I was on the mend to finding myself again… BOY WAS I WRONG!! I think that will be a life long journey, and I need to be okay with that. I finished my first full sized baby blanket for a coworker. I was pleasantly surprised at how many people wished me a happy Mother’s Day. On a whim I applied for two jobs… I felt very guilty applying, it took me a couple a weeks to be okay with the decision. A part of me felt like I was betraying the place that allowed me to grow professionally, that helped me through my devastating loss, but I also felt like I didn’t belong there anymore.
June… bumps started to appear… I tested for one job and the other told me “thanks, but no thanks”. Everyone around me started to announce they were pregnant… baby showers…. family illnesses… lots of “why me” moments.
July… man… I’m still trying to recover… I don’t know if I will… the bright start though, NEW DECADE, NEW BEGINNING! I turned 30! This has to be my decade, right! Because in a two week span, we had two DEVASTATING loses. My heart continues to hurt a lot! Another bright star… I got an interview following my test!
August… starting again?… my current job moved offices… I was supposed to get a call about the job I applied for… instead I got an email giving me my score of my interview… no call… after the year I have had, I was not ready to put all my hope and faith that I would get or deserve such an opportunity… so the month was coming to an end… and I had all but lost complete hope, felt myself slipping again… getting down on myself, trying again to find the bright spots… then the call came! I GOT IT! I’m still baffled! Between the end of July and August I had finished two more baby blankets, for my sister and very good friend. I also decided, one day when I was down on myself that I would try this new thing where I initiate conversations and plan hangouts first… hint: IM REALLY LOVING IT!
Today is September 1st as I’m writing this… in 9 days a new career path begins for me, new opportunities for my family, new found hope that all will be okay, new hope that I do deserve great things! I feel like I have a new lease on life (as dumb as that sounds). I am so lucky to have the life I have, I’m lucky that I get my spot of bright light so “quickly” after my storm, when some wait a life time, I only waited a year… God ALWAYS has a plan and his plan always wins and is right on time! (Someone remind me to be as humble as I am right now in about year. My mind quickly forgets, I’m working on it)
I have met some amazing people over the course of this last year, I made some incredible friendships, strengthened my faith, “tried” to focus on myself, had been brought to tears by peoples kindness and love. It has been the hardest year of my entire life, but I would not change it, I would not want to repeat it, but would never change it. It has changed me for the better. I found true friendships and made deeper connections with people, and truly have come to terms with my loss. I still yearn for a baby to hold, care for, and love. I miss Matthew everyday, and with out him I would not be the mother I am, nor writing this. I still cannot wait for the day that I get to birth a living baby, but for the first time in a long time… I am content…
Please give yourselves grace, self love, gratitude, and time. All things need time to pass!